Right now I am shaking and am trying to stop bawling like a baby. Ive been hearing about some accounts of domestic violence and drug addiction that friends and acquaintances of mine have been through or continue to go through, also its all love the news. I will extend that to child abuse, physical, verbal and mental abuse. This course triggered and the mother of all flashbacks, I now feel like one giant raw nerve ending. Everything hurts so fucking much. EVERY single breath in is a struggle. The pictures are still inside my head and I can not wipe them away, oh please make them go away. I don’t feel able to talk to these people about my experiences. How can I? They are all raw and upset following the sharing of their experiences. Until now, I HAVE to get it out, its eating away inside me like some toxic substance and it needs to be expunged right now. Can I find the strength to do this? I honestly don’t know! This will be very raw and graphic insight into my life. But if I can help bring one person to help this this will be with the painful detail.
Talking about abuse and my life has always been something that is very painful for me. As long as I can remember, I Have never had many friends or people to trust and confide in. I have always been semi popular kid but on the outside of the circle looking in. Certain people in my life have conspired to keep it that way to make me easier to control and abuse me. They have destroyed my ability to behave properly around people that i manage to make friends with and that fucking hurts.
I am going thru hell to win safety and freedom for myself. But I will win. I will and have stood up to the bastards (bastard) that told me I was a weak piece of fucking shit and kicked his and their violent and drunk asses to the the curb.
I am a person in long term recovery, I have been living in recovery a little over three years from pain killers, cocaine, ecstasy, and heroine. For me that means I am FREE. Free to be the person I want to be, longed to be “normal”? Normal? Ha what the fuck is that? My life has been far from normal! But it means I have finally found life. I didn’t live until real recovery started. Also it means I can be truly happy. Recovery has and continues to allow me to find who I really am inside. It allows me to accept the hard things in life without using. DREAMS REALLY DO COME TRUE!
I am a person who also struggles with anxiety issues or if we wanna go deeper mental illness..oh scary:/ shit if you lived in my shoes anxiety would be a great thing is that is all I had to deal with. I am a poorly printed piece of paper put away in a dusty filing cabinet. I used to accept this, for so long I was desperate for an answer, to put my name to my feelings. I thought it would make me feel better knowing I was this and that. I thought it would help me find out who I really was. HOWEVER it was quite shocking to me how simple its to be categorized so quickly. My life felt like a fucking drama filled game show. DING DING DING!!! You’ve ticked the correct boxes, you win ANXIETY disorder. I was diagnosed with two types, social and panic disorder( who would have guessed being married to who I was) and PSTD anther fucking surprise. I have these issues and PSTD has recently come back to haunt me with the sudden loss of my family…. So a I write this book I am very deeply going thru this once again… Anxiety and PSTD does not though define me as a person. Yes I struggle sometimes and have to stay indoors, in a creased up oversized t-shirt looking ugly as fuck ( I actually feel quite similar to this on a normal day.) and yes it takes serious energy to do the simplest things. But it doesn’t mean I am a walking rain cloud. Im not a crying mess rocking back and forth in a dark cupboard, I’m not staring into space 24 hours a day.
My point is despite having an addiction problem, past eating disorder problem, history of abuse in many levels, the grief of losing my children tragically, and anxiety disorders. I am still a living breathing human being. I have had a troubled life, there is no running or denying that, but I have achieved some amazing things so far. I have made stuff happen for myself and I at the age of 33 enjoy life. I have goals and dreams. I fucking love espresso martinis. I have the same personality, the same passions I’ve always had, the same face, the same me.
Its not easy to look back at my life and feel that sense of pride and achievement though. Especially during the really bad times, Its not a nice feeling believing you are completely worthless to the world and painfully alone. The more people learn about my life or the lives of others that have or are going through what I have realize its a reality for some of us. For ME. The more people listen and understand. It takes patience. The most important thing to know is that somebody is there or has been through it. A magic cure is no expected, no amount of money will buy me or you happiness. Support and Understanding is everything.
In all fucking raw honesty, I had this fear and still have fear that people wouldn’t or don’t want to know me when they find out who I am, and I come with problems, or baggage. But this makes me who I am today. There is that worry of how to act around some people. That scares me more then anything because I don’t want people to feel uncomfortable in my company. Unless I was sitting there in a giant vagina costume. The best I can ever be is myself, and I am finding out that being 100% open with someone they can relate on some level. Also when they have paid for my coffee which is an added bonus….lol
So I guess you could say I’ve came to terms at one point and then I was hit with a semi of bad fucking luck and tragically lost my family. But I am realizing again that life goes on good times and bad. I have struggled with my identity for years, “She’s a wife of a Biker” “She’s a ol lady to a biker president” , but now I am kinda unlabelled and enjoying it… maybe My name is Janae Grant! I am a EX ol Lady , a child who went thru the system, recovering drug addict, survivor of mental, physical, sexual abuse. Survivor of cancer, and a mother who has lost her children way to soon. Its a part of me and I am starting to say I am proud of who I am. I hope my story can touch and help at least one or more people.
Let me strip my hard raw life apart for you…sit back and enjoy the ride