my depression -the ride

This is a question that comes up a lot, I have been asked what depression feels like by doctors, and psychiatrists as well as friends. The problem is I never really know what the hell to tell them.

The answer would need to be updated hourly, at least for me anyways, because that is how often my mood seems to change. The other day i decided to take a stab at it and try my best to explain what m depression felt like, that day, and this is what I came up with.

Today it feels like even though I had a very nice day, I am now in bed and thinking it feels like no amount of good days can make this worth it.

Today if feels like this is never going to end and that no medication or treatment could possibly ever help. Today feels like rain, because the severity of my depression to change with the weather. Today feels like i want to be throw away all my meds, or just take them all and I really cant decide which. Today feels like I am alone ad like no-one could possibly understand this feeling and so I won’t talk about it. This is how my depression feels today.

Had someone asked me this three hours ago, I would have told you how my depression was this morning and this would have been my answer. This morning, my depression is manageable. This morning I drank my coffee, this morning I smiled on my way out the door and took a 30  minute nature walk with my dog, This morning for a brief moment I forgot that i suffer from depression.

And this is the answer to what depression feels like. A constant rollercoaster of feelings that changes so fast its almost impossible to keep track of.

What this has taught me is that there is almost zero relationship between the things that happen in a day and my mood

I often get told that I should be happy because  I had a good day. Unfortunately, this does not mean a good night OR a good next day or even a good next five minutes

I can have bad things happen and deal with them as anyone else who is not depressed would and move on with my day. I can have an amazing day and feel like it was the hardest day of my life by the end of it.

Moments and feelings are not related, this is something that I have recently learned. My depression is too smart to only attack when something bad happens. This means that I need to accept the fact that i am stuck on this roller coaster, and to remember that every fall is followed by a rise back up……

there my long answer

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